A drizzling start to a week.
Was down with fever early on monday morning. Dragged myself for the Et run which i eventually completed with much effort. It was my common belief that a little bit of sweat will ease those sick feelings a tad. It didn't turn out that way. I felt terrible after the run and spent the remainder of my day, faint, in bed. The headach, bitter mouth, warm temperature and frequent shivers made me feel like sleeping it over. Then it started to pour, adding on to the chill. All in all, it was an experience I don't wanna go through again.
Flashbacks to sunday night...
Came back to camp very early indeed as a form of houdini. A houdini which I know will go on and on. Watched tv and found the show turn left, turn right on channel U. It was much of a laugh. Was talking with a couple of friends that night. Talking about something I have been desperately trying to push to the back of my mind. And I wonder, if its true that I simply care about other people's feelings too much. Such things are hard to say. In an attempt to let self-fishness buy you over, you realise that self-fishness is already inherent in your mindset. I tried to treat the situation with nonchalence, only to realise that nonchalence never comes as an effort. Its like when you try to junk something into the bin, you know that it will overflow someday. And on top of that, you know that its still there, just in the bin.You can't erase it. With that comes postulations, imaginative solutions in an attempt to solve it. But it doesn't help. When its there in the bin, and all you can do is think about ways out, nothing changes. Something I got out of watching 'install'.
~Keep trying to change the way things are. At the end of the day, you look back and see only the amount of time you have wasted. Nothing changes. If there is any chances, its the person himself who has changed, not the situation.~
Is it true that I really can't do anything? I have no answer to that. I can't bring myself to be frank with myself, to be frank with anyone. I simply cannot afford to do that. With time, you realise that there is just so much that you can't help. You realise that as a child you said 'face it and not run away' without understanding that things are never as simple as it is. And I know, I am no longer as hard hearted as I always used to be. Not in this situation.I just can't turn my back to her. I just can't bear to say things I know will cause her to trouble over. I feel restrain, restrained from within-unable to act and speak with a carefree mind.I wish it was never this way. But isn't it murphie's law that whatever bad will happen will happen. Or will I be hard hearted in weakness one day to let it out and care only for my own well-being.
~You know it will hurt you eventually, yet you dwell further and further into it~
I was never a kind soul to start with, why is this so difficult now.
Flashbacks to sunday night...
Came back to camp very early indeed as a form of houdini. A houdini which I know will go on and on. Watched tv and found the show turn left, turn right on channel U. It was much of a laugh. Was talking with a couple of friends that night. Talking about something I have been desperately trying to push to the back of my mind. And I wonder, if its true that I simply care about other people's feelings too much. Such things are hard to say. In an attempt to let self-fishness buy you over, you realise that self-fishness is already inherent in your mindset. I tried to treat the situation with nonchalence, only to realise that nonchalence never comes as an effort. Its like when you try to junk something into the bin, you know that it will overflow someday. And on top of that, you know that its still there, just in the bin.You can't erase it. With that comes postulations, imaginative solutions in an attempt to solve it. But it doesn't help. When its there in the bin, and all you can do is think about ways out, nothing changes. Something I got out of watching 'install'.
~Keep trying to change the way things are. At the end of the day, you look back and see only the amount of time you have wasted. Nothing changes. If there is any chances, its the person himself who has changed, not the situation.~
Is it true that I really can't do anything? I have no answer to that. I can't bring myself to be frank with myself, to be frank with anyone. I simply cannot afford to do that. With time, you realise that there is just so much that you can't help. You realise that as a child you said 'face it and not run away' without understanding that things are never as simple as it is. And I know, I am no longer as hard hearted as I always used to be. Not in this situation.I just can't turn my back to her. I just can't bear to say things I know will cause her to trouble over. I feel restrain, restrained from within-unable to act and speak with a carefree mind.I wish it was never this way. But isn't it murphie's law that whatever bad will happen will happen. Or will I be hard hearted in weakness one day to let it out and care only for my own well-being.
~You know it will hurt you eventually, yet you dwell further and further into it~
I was never a kind soul to start with, why is this so difficult now.
posted by zente @ 3:49 AM
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